So I've had rather a tumultuous couple of days. As I've said before, I'm unemployed at the moment. I'm a little afraid I'm unemployable. Or maybe just too lazy to find a real job. And the last couple days my own lack of discipline and drive has become viscerally real to me.
The thing I love most in the world is writing. Really, it's telling stories, and I love film as a way to tell stories; but it takes a cast and crew to make a film, while all I need to write is my word processor and a little privacy. So I write. And when I write, frankly, that is the only time I feel entirely at home in the world.
Now, all my life I've avoided anything that could lead to a professional writing career. I didn't study English or Journalism in college; didn't pursue internships or submit articles to the school paper or to local papers. I didn't know if I was good enough. I was afraid I wouldn't be, and then what would happen to my hope for happiness?
I was told I had low self esteem, that I needed more self confidence. I think the problem was the opposite: I had/have outrageously high self esteem, and I'm very careful to guard against anything that could threaten my self image as the most brilliant writer and thinker in the world. It's like a hot air balloon: very high and lovely to look at, but ultimately empty, and if it's at all damaged it will come crashing down to the ground.
What I've always lacked was trust. I've never trusted other people to see or understand the things I'm so passionate about. I've never trusted my parents or my teachers or my bosses with my hopes or desires, and never trusted them to help me pursue them. I've never trusted God, who promises to provide all that is necessary and never to test us beyond our ability. In short, it's not self confidence I lack; it's other confidence. It's God confidence, friend confidence, family confidence.
So, today I am making a decision to trust. I am going to put my work out for others to see, if only in small ways. I am going to devote myself to pursuing my goal of publishing and producing the stories I feel compelled to tell. Perhaps like Jonah, I will face the task that both calls me and terrifies me.
After all, running away from it hasn't worked out so well for me.
Who is Rabbert?
- Robert
- A rather opinionated fellow who takes himself too seriously. If only everyone else would take him as seriously....
More about Rabbert
Email me at king.rabbert [at] gmail.com
Rabbert also blogs at Virtue Quest.
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5 comboxers:
Rob,
Wow...this is deep. I'm not having the best day so I apologize in advance for what will be random thoughts.
I have to say I struggle with ego with myself and my kids. My son, especially, gets notions that he's the world's greatest "whatever" without ever really trying. And I'm in the uncomfortable position of pointing out, no he isn't and generally that it doesn't matter. I have no idea what the experts talk about with "esteem" building: my son is completely sure he can be superman without trying.
I do want to say that I have learned that it's possible to be the world's most "amazing person" whatever that means and inevitably someone will criticize you. I've even heard someone criticize Mother Theresa of all people.
Even my own reasonably nice and sane family is not particularly supportive of the paths I've taken. My sister and I think close to alike but even she rarely understands why I've chosen to do what I do.
That's maybe what people mean by low self esteem. Sometimes life is about trusting God and what you've been given for gifts. Growing a thick skin and perhaps channeling the spirit of a warrior is how life in general needs to be tackled.
Thick skins and what I call a "warrior" attitude are not about arrogance, either. It's just an acknowledgement that life is full roses and thorns.
You should write Rob. It's been clear that it's a calling ever since we met.
You are also very employable until you can write for a living. Stop looking for professional jobs if you need to: pick up an application for *anyone* that will hire you, including McDonalds type jobs. Stick with for 6 months and you'll feel about 1000% better about yourself in the "can I work for a living" department. (Just don't put the moonlighting job on the professional resume...)
are you a 4 on the enneagram as well? i think i discovered i might be that this past week or 2. nobody understands us. NOBODY.
Amy is right: you are employable in a gazillion jobs. You might consider, e.g., a job at Barnes & Noble: it would be low key (not hectic like McDonalds), air-conditioned, and out of every 40 hours there would be 5 minutes in which you actually conversed with someone about books.
When I was a kid, they said that people had two skin types: dry and oily. Later, they said that some people have a combination, where the skin is dry inside and oily on the surface. Someday soon, a dermatologist-turned-psychologist will make the same discovery about self-esteem. Many people have low self-esteem covered in a thin layer of high self-esteem. I'm certainly one of those people. I feel very happy about myself most of the time, and therefore I carefully avoid situations where my limitations will be revealed, because as soon as that happens I feel low and worthless. It's a combination of unrealistically high self-esteem and unrealistically low self-esteem, held together by some mysterious chemical process that keeps them from blending into some sensible via media.
Kat - I don't understand you... ;-)
Amy & Larry - working on it. I'm putting my resume out there and working with an employment counselor and what not. I know that I'm not unemployable ... but that doesn't stop me from being afraid.
Just have to learn to act in spite of fear, rather than because of it.
Very thoughtfull post on self confidence.It should be very much helpfull
Thanks,
Karim -
Positive thinking
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