Commitments

I find it's difficult to keep a commitment that is too general. For example, it's hard to say, "I'm going to write more" or "I'm going to exercise more". It's easier to keep a concrete, measurable commitment. So, I'm setting a goal of writing at least 500 words every day. (Yes, this blog counts!) It's a small goal, but I know when I've reached it, and it doesn't stop me from doing more; it just keeps me from doing less.

This is part of a larger trend for me. Yesterday, a friend asked me whether I were an optimist or a pessimist. After some thought, I replied that I was an idealist. I tend to think in terms of what should be rather than what actually is. This means that I think and act in ways that sometimes look optimistic (because of the height of my hopes) and sometimes pessimistic (because of the depth of my disappointment). It also means that I tend to pay too little attention to the real world that I in fact live in. I tend to think of goals in terms of "I should write a perfect story or article" rather than "I should write five hundred readable words". Keeping the goals concrete helps keep my feet on the ground. Which is exactly what an idealist like me most needs.

On the other hand, I'm still working on that exercise goal. Right now, I'm thinking a 15-minute walk every day should be do-able. What do you think?
Rabbert blathers on....

Historical perspective

In 1943, this was cheering on an ally:

In hindsight, it's rather creepy. To paraphrase the wisdom of others, we should never call someone great before their life is completed.
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On professionalism

Screenwriter John August posts a guest lecture he gave at Trinity University in San Antonio. The main point: be professional, all the time.

I happen to agree with him. It's a matter of treating other people with respect.
Rabbert blathers on....

Why does anyone get married anymore?

I am extraordinarily fortunate that my parents are still married to each other. It wasn't easy for them. They both have had second thoughts, and even separated for a time to figure things out. But they realized that divorce would not actually solve any of their problems, and that their best chance at happiness was to work at loving each other better.

On a larger scale, I've noted before that so-called "no-fault" divorce is at the root of many of our social problems with marriage. It seems to me that "no-fault" divorce cheapens marriage to the point of worthlessness. I mean, why take vows "till death" if it really only means "till divorce"?

It seems that at least one other person out there agrees with me. And science bears it out: no-fault divorce does not, in fact, lead to better or happier marriages, or even to happier individuals. At the same time, the National Catholic Register reports on a study showing significant correlation between divorce and certain health issues. (Full article is only available to subscribers.)

This is good for me to see, because I'm always afraid that my idealism is out of touch with reality.

But here's where I get into trouble: I don't see a practical, sure-fire means of correcting this problem. I mean, I can say that what we need is a cultural return to understanding marriage as a lifelong bond. I can talk about the philosophical teleology of man and woman, or about the public and social nature of the marriage covenant. But the fact is that divorce is one of the basic assumptions of our society, almost at the level of being considered a human right. We watch "Kramer vs. Kramer" and wonder what all the controversy was about. And I don't know how to change things on the level of our culture or our society.

But I guess I can offer some suggestions for small changes that might make things better for individual marriages.

1- Remember that a spouse does not exist to make you happy. And vice versa. Marriage is not a toy and is not entertainment. It is a way of giving love, not merely of receiving love.

2- Make your marriage about more than just you two. If marriage is a way of giving love, it's a way of giving love to everyone. Your spouse is the conduit for your love to reach anyone and everyone else around you. Children are the most obvious and natural example of this; but even one's friendships change and shift when one gets married -- because you are not a friend alone, anymore. Friendship includes the spouse.

3- Take time to argue. Seriously. If you are always 100% in full agreement on everything, then something's wrong. Stepford wrong. It's only by discovering where you differ from each other that you'll be open to learning from each other and truly growing closer. It's only by facing conflict that you're able to resolve it.

I'm sure that other people probably have more and better ideas than these, and I know it's horribly dangerous to give unsolicited advice. So please forgive me -- and also correct me! -- if I overstep my bounds.

On the other hand, why should advice columnists have all the fun?
Rabbert blathers on....